frustrated

 Sometimes life is just incredibly frustrating. 

Today is my nieces 6th birthday. All I can think about is how her dad is out screwing around, getting high, and probably staying with our moms side of the family... none of that is good. 

I was talking with his mother in law a few weeks ago and she's just so upset by this and wants to help him and smack him at the same time. I had to have the conversation with her that this is the brother I know well and grew up with. I didn't get the sober brother. I got the abusive asshole meth addict brother. 

I feel so disconnected from family and its things like this that drive the point home. 

I mailed my niece her gift over the weekend and my sister in law text me to say thank you and then make sure I'm using HER last name instead of my nieces actual last name (my brothers of course) and for some reason that really rubbed me the wrong way. I know my brother is an asshole and if I were my sister in law I would have never stayed with him but my kids last name would still be my kids last name. Because all I can think is that next think you know, she will be telling her that her dad is dead (when he is not. At least for now). 

I don't know. Maybe I have hope that my brother will pull his head out of his ass and then get to have a relationship with his daughter but to know that her last name has been changed? that would crush him. 

Then I sit her and think, Why do I care anymore? 

Because seriously, its draining to care. 

The Migraine Chronicles

 I am so sick of my migraines. Just when I think I’m ahead here comes another one.

I have been to so many doctors, its beyond count at this point. I have been on so many different meds. Nothing seems to work long term. 

I am on new meds again, and they seem to be promising. But in walks period week and pcos and says HEY ITS MIGRAINE TIME! 

Chronic pain is such a frustrating thing. I miss work all the time. I miss life. Its caused me to lose out on pay and then in turn I’m behind on bills. SO FRUSTRATING. 

I just needed to vent as today is another migraine day. 

Dress for the cult you want, not the cult you’re in

 36 years. That is a long time to be deceived and then to discover you grew up in a cult. Yes...thats right. I grew up in a cult.

BUT if you told anyone about the cult I grew up in, they would give you a funny look and be all “isn’t that just a church?” 

Yeah, sure. Just like Scientology. Its just a church. 

I grew up in the “church” of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints a.k.a. The mormons.

Many people talk about how their “shelf broke” over time, when they left the Mormon Church. my experience was not that way. 

My shelf broke within a few short months, finally culminating in one day of realization. Short, fast, and painful. 

I have gone back and forth my whole life going to church, leaving it, coming back to it. Every time I came back I thought I had been so bad while I was away and felt that the only way to live up to my life’s expectations was to be a faithful servant of God. Yeah... don’t I feel dumb now? 

Let’s get into what broke my shelf... so couple years ago I was friend with someone we shall name Jane. Jane was also inactive on and off and she helped me “find my way back” to the faith. 

I was searching for a new job and prayed and prayed about it and didn’t get an answer. So i thought it was OH god wants me to choose and THEN i can know.  I took the job and it felt soooo wrong. So wrong I was sobbing at work and took back my 2 week notice. But I agonized and agonized, praying my heart out and receiving silence. Finally I decided to not take the job after much turmoil. Well Jane took it upon herself to tell me that I was listening to the devil.” 

Bitch what? I was so angry and hurt by this and I ended the conversation with her and did not speak to her again. Like literally, ever. I sent her a letter in hopes that she would apologize and realize how much she hurt me. Thats all I wanted. But this actually a story to its self, so we will come back to that later. 

Well on top of this, I had been really struggling with bills (still am truthfully. THANKS 2020!) and stopped paying my tithing because i couldn’t afford it. Every member of the Mormon faith feeds 10% of their income back into this corporation. And if you dont, you aren’t temple worthy. 

Well folks, I was endowed and able to go to the temple. So making this decision was agony. 

Then December 2019 the time came. The shelf broke. Shattered, went up in flames. 

I found out that with my hard earned money that I had to go without to pay tithing, went to build a mall. 

Yep. A mall. 

Are. You. Kidding? And then that was followed by the story of the church having BILLIONS of dollars squirreled away. 

I was done. 

A true church, one that was not a cult, would not have stocks like that. 

In truth, this had turned me off all of religions. They all do this and it’s disgusting. But I grew up thinking it was all other churches were bad like that, but not mine! Mine is the TRUE church. 

Wow I was wrong. Naive.  A sucker. 

I was so angry and hurt. I had been deceived my whole life. My life had already changed enough in 2019, i didn’t need this too (hahahah i had no idea with 2020 would bring.) 

Since then I have been on a journey to find out what i really believe in. I am not like. A lot of others who lose their religion become atheist. I would say though, I fall in the agnostic spectrum. I waffle back and forth if there is a God. I want to believe in an afterlife. I am even open to the idea of reincarnation. 

I also feel i am so much more free to engage in things that I enjoy and feel no guilt. 

Its a wonderful thing

Since losing my religion, realizing its a cult...its had such an impact on me and since that day i have learned SO much more about the dirty little secrets that my cult hid from me the whole time. As they are prone to do. More on this later

I have no regrets leaving the Mormons behind. 

The overwhelming reality of everyday life

 My life has changed so much in the last 3 years. I bought a house. I became a fully licensed therapist, I realized the religion I was raised in for all my life was actually a cult. I gave up people in my life that weren't there for me. 

I have begun to dig into who I truly am, even at 36 years old. Apparently its never too late for that kind of thing. 

Despite all the changes, I am feeling an overwhelming sense of  wanting to run away from it all. I want to pick up, start fresh somewhere else, and leave my identity behind. 

There are things that I still struggle with day to day and it feels like I'm constantly climbing a mountain. I climb and I climb and I often feel like I'll never reach the peak of the mountain. I'll never get to where I want to go because of the compulsive behaviors I struggle to overcome. 

 What is the cliché? One day at a time? I've been taking it some days, an hour at a time. A minute at a time. It is effective I must say, but it feels as if I am behind and I am SICK of being behind. Sick of feeling stagnant and stuck. 

How to get unstuck is the question. How do I get out of this stagnation? This is my path right now. I recognize that. Its fraught with challenges every day, but I am determined that I will overcome these struggles and find what I need in this universe.